Physics Teacher: Isaac Newton was sitting under a tree when an apple fell on his head and he discovered gravity. Isn’t that wonderful?
Student: Yes sir, if he had been sitting in class looking at books like us, he wouldn’t have discovered anything.
Two factory workers are talking.
Woman: I can make the boss give me the day off.
Man: And how would you do that?
Woman: “Just wait and see.” She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
Boss comes in: What are you doing?
Woman: I’m a light bulb.
Boss: You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.
The man starts to follow her and the boss says: Where are you going?
The man says: I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.
A man is talking to God.
The man: God, how long is a million years?
God: To me, it’s about a minute.
The man: God, how much is a million dollars?
God: To me it’s a penny.
The man: God, may I have a penny?
God: Wait a minute.
A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, “Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn’t do.”
The mother exclaimed, “But that’s terrible! I’m going to have a talk with your teacher about this … by the way, what was it that you didn’t do?”
The little girl replied, “My homework.”
The students were lined up in the cafeteria for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.”
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”
Teacher: Why are you late, Joseph?
Joseph: Because of a sign down the road.
Teacher: What does a sign have to do with your being late?
Joseph: The sign said, “School Ahead, Go Slow!”
The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.
After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, “Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude…?”
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, “I guess you’d be eating alone.”
“Isn’t the principal a dummy!” said a boy to a girl.
“Well, do you know who I am?” asked the girl.
“No.” replied the boy.
“I’m the principal’s daughter.” said the girl.
“And do you know who I am?” asked the boy.
“No,” she replied.
“Thank goodness!” said the boy with a sign of relief.
Teacher asked George: how can you prove the earth is round?
George replied: I can’t. Besides, I never said it was.
Teacher: Here is a math problem. If your dad earned $300 dollars a week and he gave your mother half, what should he have?
Student: A heart attack.
Teacher: This essay on your dog is, word for word, the same as your brother’s.
Student: Yes, sir, it is the same dog.
Teacher: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?
Vincent: One dollar.
Teacher: You don’t know your arithmetic.
Vincent: You don’t know my father.
Sylvia: Dad, can you write in the dark?
Dad: I think so. What do you want me to write?
Sylvia: Your name on this report card.
Mother: Why did you get such a low mark on that test?
Junior: Because of absence.
Mother: You mean you were absent on the day of the test?
Junior: No, but the kid who sits next to me was.
Teacher: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
John: You told me to do it without using tables.
Teacher: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
Teacher: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
Louie: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
While visiting a country school, the chairman of the Board Of Education became provoked at the noise the unruly students were making in the next room.
Angrily, he opened the door and grabbed one of the taller boys who seemed to be doing most of the talking. He dragged the boy to the next room and stood him in the corner.
A few minutes later, a small boy stuck his head in the room and pleaded, “Please, sir, may we have our teacher back?”
A underworld don’s son came home from school after attending his exams.
Father: how was your exam?
Son: they had given me questions to answer within 3 hours, but I did not answer anything or opened my mouth.
A Gujju having no child, no money, no home, a blind mother, prays to God. God became happy with his prayers, grants him only one wish.
Gujju : Dear God, I have only one wish, I only want my mother to see my wife putting 2 crore worth solitare bangles on my child’s hands in my mercedes benz car parked in our new penthouse’s compound situated next to the swimming pool at Beverly Hills.
God : Damn it ! I still have a lot to learn from these gujju’s..
Sardar in airplane going 2 Bombay .. While its landing he shouted: ” Bombay … Bombay ”
Air hostess said: “B silent..”
Sardar: “Ok.. Ombay. Ombay”
Teacher: “What is common between JESUS, KRISHNA , RAM, GANDHI and BUDHA?”
Sardar: “All are born on government holidays…!!!
One day a trainer brings along an elephant for a walk in the town. Along one street this elephant saw a man urinating in the bush and bursted out laughing.
The trainer was puzzled why this elephant laughed so he asked him, “Hi my good boy, why did you laugh?”
The elephant told the trainer, look man how small his trunk is….as compared to mine, laughing all the way…